Since august my life has taken a rather abrupt change, seemingly for the worse. I have gone from a recovering self harmer to an active one, the only person that knows is harry. I don't have the guts too tell anyone else. the only problem is there's a new guy on the scene... mark. He started off lovely but now it's all got complicated and to be totally honest i have no idea anymore... Everything has dramatically changed and i don't honestly know if i will cope with this unexpected collapse of anything you could call ordinary in my life. Its time for me too grit my teeth an push through but i don't know if i can, im currently failing so how is this going to get any better?
I have now gone back to the comfort of my lifestyle when i was 13, drugs booze and self harm... how the hell can i get out of this one?? one things for sure i know im falling and im positive i dont have a safety net too catch me on the way down.
Thursday, 11 December 2008
Wednesday, 13 August 2008
What is it with men?!
My birthday as you know was July 29th, My boyfriend (he is awful at money management) was skint by the time it came around, he gets payed at the beginning of the month so he promised that he would get me a nintendo Wii at the beginning of August. I really should have known better, we cam round to going shopping on wednesday, 5 mins before we go out he says "oh yeah i can't afford a birthday present for you, i'll get it for you next month" obviously i was more then slightly pissed off.
I have come to the conclusion that all men should be put into money management courses, As you can expect our conversation ended up like this:
Me "what have you spent all your money on this month?"
Harry "i don't know, probably getting pissed"
Me "How drunk were you?! if you spent that much money you must have been a lot drunker then you told me"
Harry *grunt*
Me"what?!"
Harry "Nothing babe, sorry. Can i go on the Xbox now?"
I really do give up!
I have come to the conclusion that all men should be put into money management courses, As you can expect our conversation ended up like this:
Me "what have you spent all your money on this month?"
Harry "i don't know, probably getting pissed"
Me "How drunk were you?! if you spent that much money you must have been a lot drunker then you told me"
Harry *grunt*
Me"what?!"
Harry "Nothing babe, sorry. Can i go on the Xbox now?"
I really do give up!
Tuesday, 12 August 2008
Drunks on a train
I'm now finally home after visiting my best friend tamsin up at her dads house in aberdeen. It was quite nice, brilliant for shopping. I had too buy another suitcase there to bring everything home.
The flight up there wasn't actually as bad as i thought it would be, ALOT of turbulance which was bloody scary, i swear the plane dropped about 10 ft but i got there in one piece and my suitcase hadn't dissapeared so it as all good!
I have to admit after spending a solid week with tamsin i had had enough of her by the end of it and i think the train journey on the way home (9 hours on trains without a fag - it was torture) didn't really help either. But i am home and i am feeling calmer and after seeing my boyfriend - harry i was much more relaxed.
Nothing against Tamsin but her family are a bit bizzare, don't get me wrong their lovely but just slightly odd. My parents don't have much control over me (my mum blames it on my councelor i had when i was 15 - not sure why though) but they don't have a problem with me not coming home for a few days and don't care about me smoking and all but tamsins parents. Their just slightly odd really. I was shocked when her mum wouldn't let her out because she had to tidy her room, she is nearly 18 and it struck me as being severley abnormal. This could be because i have no idea of what normal parenting is but i was shocked. Anyway this has come from when the train stopped at a station and people got off so i said i'm going to the loo, fairly normal i thought. Then her dad turned to me and said oh just wait until were moving again yea - firstly i was like huh i havent been told i cant go to the toilet since i was at school (about a year ago now) and secondly was to go off on one but i thought better of the latter as it would just cause a scene... But then the train got overly crowded and i couldn't actually move to go to the loo... i wasnt happy!! after a while there was some comosion coming from slightly further down the train so i was just looking at what was going on and noticed it was a very drunk man with all his friends trying to control him (seriously drunk people can really improve train journeys) he then noticed me and proceeded to come up to my seat get down on one knee, take my hand and "say yes or no" For me this was highly entertaining (and oddly flattering) but i don't think tamsins father foun it quite as entertaining and gave this guy a rather dirty look. After numerous rejections this man finally left me and went back to his friends. Later in the journey i noticed that this guy had now fallen asleep on his friend and was dribbling on him. I still hadn't been to the toilet so i had to try not too laugh too hard.
I don't think i've had such an amusing train journey, seriously if ever you have to go on a long train journey make sure there's a drunk weirdo on there. It really does improve the journey!!
The flight up there wasn't actually as bad as i thought it would be, ALOT of turbulance which was bloody scary, i swear the plane dropped about 10 ft but i got there in one piece and my suitcase hadn't dissapeared so it as all good!
I have to admit after spending a solid week with tamsin i had had enough of her by the end of it and i think the train journey on the way home (9 hours on trains without a fag - it was torture) didn't really help either. But i am home and i am feeling calmer and after seeing my boyfriend - harry i was much more relaxed.
Nothing against Tamsin but her family are a bit bizzare, don't get me wrong their lovely but just slightly odd. My parents don't have much control over me (my mum blames it on my councelor i had when i was 15 - not sure why though) but they don't have a problem with me not coming home for a few days and don't care about me smoking and all but tamsins parents. Their just slightly odd really. I was shocked when her mum wouldn't let her out because she had to tidy her room, she is nearly 18 and it struck me as being severley abnormal. This could be because i have no idea of what normal parenting is but i was shocked. Anyway this has come from when the train stopped at a station and people got off so i said i'm going to the loo, fairly normal i thought. Then her dad turned to me and said oh just wait until were moving again yea - firstly i was like huh i havent been told i cant go to the toilet since i was at school (about a year ago now) and secondly was to go off on one but i thought better of the latter as it would just cause a scene... But then the train got overly crowded and i couldn't actually move to go to the loo... i wasnt happy!! after a while there was some comosion coming from slightly further down the train so i was just looking at what was going on and noticed it was a very drunk man with all his friends trying to control him (seriously drunk people can really improve train journeys) he then noticed me and proceeded to come up to my seat get down on one knee, take my hand and "say yes or no" For me this was highly entertaining (and oddly flattering) but i don't think tamsins father foun it quite as entertaining and gave this guy a rather dirty look. After numerous rejections this man finally left me and went back to his friends. Later in the journey i noticed that this guy had now fallen asleep on his friend and was dribbling on him. I still hadn't been to the toilet so i had to try not too laugh too hard.
I don't think i've had such an amusing train journey, seriously if ever you have to go on a long train journey make sure there's a drunk weirdo on there. It really does improve the journey!!
Friday, 1 August 2008
The trauma of flying
ok so tomorrow i'm going to aberdeen to spend some time with my best friend (her dad lives down there so she's visiting him) but she is already down there so to get there i have to get a plane which is all fine and normal, i've flown many times before but never on my own. The thought is rather petrifying. I wouldn't say i was stupid but i can have the odd dense moment were my head just turns to moosh and i have no idea of anything.
Now the first worry is what if my bags end up on the wrong plane, being a skint fashion-concsious 17-year-old this thought is totally petrifying. Especially as my new topshop axel boots are in that case and currently i am totally in love with them.
Ok chances of losing case is minimal (i hope) but then the next worry what if i get lost and miss my plane? this is also highly traumatic for me as all airports are huge and confusing. if it was gatwick, i would have been fairly confident as i often fly from there, but no, its luton. I have never been there in my life (and if any of you have ever seen the programme airline, the place looks like it's full of nutters)
Then there is the hole new rule of no more than 100ml in a bottle, Ok it's not too bad but it does mean that i have to leave most of my make up in case, this isn't too bad i'm not huge on the make-up front but it's still worrying. I always get paranoid that i'm going to leave something important thats in a bottle over 100ml in my bag and it will be confiscated.
Then there is the huge embarrasment of always being stopped at security, The metal detector thingy always goes off, firstly my earrings, then belly bar, then skirt buttons. Then they go round the back and i have to go through everything again (obviously without the belly bar going off) usually thisn't too bad as i have people with me so we can have a laugh about it but on your own, you would just look like a weirdo in all fairness...
All this is rather traumatic for me and by the time i get to the airport tomorrow i'm sure i will just be a paranoid wreck. Hopefully i will be proved wrong and everything will be fine. I'm just gonna keep everything crossed for the time being.
Now the first worry is what if my bags end up on the wrong plane, being a skint fashion-concsious 17-year-old this thought is totally petrifying. Especially as my new topshop axel boots are in that case and currently i am totally in love with them.
Ok chances of losing case is minimal (i hope) but then the next worry what if i get lost and miss my plane? this is also highly traumatic for me as all airports are huge and confusing. if it was gatwick, i would have been fairly confident as i often fly from there, but no, its luton. I have never been there in my life (and if any of you have ever seen the programme airline, the place looks like it's full of nutters)
Then there is the hole new rule of no more than 100ml in a bottle, Ok it's not too bad but it does mean that i have to leave most of my make up in case, this isn't too bad i'm not huge on the make-up front but it's still worrying. I always get paranoid that i'm going to leave something important thats in a bottle over 100ml in my bag and it will be confiscated.
Then there is the huge embarrasment of always being stopped at security, The metal detector thingy always goes off, firstly my earrings, then belly bar, then skirt buttons. Then they go round the back and i have to go through everything again (obviously without the belly bar going off) usually thisn't too bad as i have people with me so we can have a laugh about it but on your own, you would just look like a weirdo in all fairness...
All this is rather traumatic for me and by the time i get to the airport tomorrow i'm sure i will just be a paranoid wreck. Hopefully i will be proved wrong and everything will be fine. I'm just gonna keep everything crossed for the time being.
Thursday, 31 July 2008
Male annoyances
Well my birthday turned out to actually be ok. My boyfriend, harry, actually came round my house (a rare occasion) and he actualy got me a present!! the thing with my boyfriend is he doesn't understand money management so after the first couple of weeks he's skint until the end of the month when he gets paid. So i end up paying for pretty much everything. It's not too bad but it's not great really.
Ok i have to have a rant now, i have a friend, anthony, and he is possibly one of the most annoying people i know! he calls all women/girls "hussy" trying to cheer someone up it's: "what's wrong hussy" it's like seriously shut up already. He's one of these people that is seriously unattractive but he has money and boasts about it ALOT! he will always say how much this girl (franky) annoys him, but then he goes and spends hours talking to her, she asked him to have a baby with her well apparently she did and he was like yea im going to go for it then he will change his mind and be like well shes asked me to pay for all this stuff so i don't know anymore. He really just needs a hard firm slap.
I feel much better now, you have to be careful who you bitch about and to who, i don't have much trust in people. Stemming from when i had depression. I used to be a self harmer, i'm better now. there's still a chance of a relapse but i just have to put up with it and find other ways of venting when i'm feeling down, usually fags and alcohol now but i am alot better but some stuff is still haunting and some dates can really get me down. i have a crap memory but when it comes to remembering bad stuff i'm a pro. Maybe because it sticks in your memory more, i don't know but i do know that it is very annoying.
My trust problems do mean that most relationships i have i am severley paranoid. Take my current one with harry, we have been together nearly 9 months now. He is going on a stag do this weekend and everytime he starts talking to his friends about it i have to leave and go talk to someone else. Basically i met harry through a bunch of friends that hang around in tesco car park. It's just a simple place to meet up and most of them are his friends but i know them through him and through other people and stuff but they all go out clubbing and stuff together and me still be 17 i can't and a fake id isn't really an option for me. i can't lie.
Last stag weekend he went on was hell he came back and let slip that he went to a strip club, having trust issues already i got overly paranoid, then about a month later harry went to a works bbq and told me i couldn't go with him because he was staying the night and there was no room for me i was fine with that went ot wih my friends (got to ride on the back of a chopper - motorbike not bicycle - i was happy) then he started lying to me sending short textx all the stuff that would make anyone think hmmmm then he went home so i was like ok then what the fucking hell is going on and he just thought it was funny... so anyway now i am amazingly paranoid about him going on the stag weekend when i know he's gonna end up shit faced doing god knows what. It's quite sad but just to get away from it all i'm going to aberdeen to see my best friend tamsin. She lives near me but has gone up to visit her dad that lives there so i'm flying up there in a couple of days just to get away from my paranoia.
The thing is that he gets very defensive when i try to talk to him about problems and just turns i around onto me which means i rarely tell him how i'm feeling which i find really hard but i can't cope with the abuse i get from him when i try to talk to him.
after that rant i should probably be off. Write soon!
Ok i have to have a rant now, i have a friend, anthony, and he is possibly one of the most annoying people i know! he calls all women/girls "hussy" trying to cheer someone up it's: "what's wrong hussy" it's like seriously shut up already. He's one of these people that is seriously unattractive but he has money and boasts about it ALOT! he will always say how much this girl (franky) annoys him, but then he goes and spends hours talking to her, she asked him to have a baby with her well apparently she did and he was like yea im going to go for it then he will change his mind and be like well shes asked me to pay for all this stuff so i don't know anymore. He really just needs a hard firm slap.
I feel much better now, you have to be careful who you bitch about and to who, i don't have much trust in people. Stemming from when i had depression. I used to be a self harmer, i'm better now. there's still a chance of a relapse but i just have to put up with it and find other ways of venting when i'm feeling down, usually fags and alcohol now but i am alot better but some stuff is still haunting and some dates can really get me down. i have a crap memory but when it comes to remembering bad stuff i'm a pro. Maybe because it sticks in your memory more, i don't know but i do know that it is very annoying.
My trust problems do mean that most relationships i have i am severley paranoid. Take my current one with harry, we have been together nearly 9 months now. He is going on a stag do this weekend and everytime he starts talking to his friends about it i have to leave and go talk to someone else. Basically i met harry through a bunch of friends that hang around in tesco car park. It's just a simple place to meet up and most of them are his friends but i know them through him and through other people and stuff but they all go out clubbing and stuff together and me still be 17 i can't and a fake id isn't really an option for me. i can't lie.
Last stag weekend he went on was hell he came back and let slip that he went to a strip club, having trust issues already i got overly paranoid, then about a month later harry went to a works bbq and told me i couldn't go with him because he was staying the night and there was no room for me i was fine with that went ot wih my friends (got to ride on the back of a chopper - motorbike not bicycle - i was happy) then he started lying to me sending short textx all the stuff that would make anyone think hmmmm then he went home so i was like ok then what the fucking hell is going on and he just thought it was funny... so anyway now i am amazingly paranoid about him going on the stag weekend when i know he's gonna end up shit faced doing god knows what. It's quite sad but just to get away from it all i'm going to aberdeen to see my best friend tamsin. She lives near me but has gone up to visit her dad that lives there so i'm flying up there in a couple of days just to get away from my paranoia.
The thing is that he gets very defensive when i try to talk to him about problems and just turns i around onto me which means i rarely tell him how i'm feeling which i find really hard but i can't cope with the abuse i get from him when i try to talk to him.
after that rant i should probably be off. Write soon!
Tuesday, 29 July 2008
Happy Birthday Me!!!
Today i am officially 17!! Ok so my birthday hasn't gone off to a great start but honestly, when your getting a year older i don't see how it can be that great. As usual the man in my life is being totally useless, he decided to tell me that he actually forgot to book the restaurant and that he will do it first thing tomorrow. I really think i should have told him my birthday was a week before it actually is, then he might have bought the present and booked the table all ready. Ok that is wishful thinking but surely i can dream?!
I am currently preparing myself for a day off stress (mainly occuring due to the Xbox) but it's my birthday so although it's not legal i'm sure i will end up blissfully pissed and telling everyone to piss off while trying to stay upright in the rediculously high heels that i'm going to be wearing. But hey no pain no gain!! (well apparently) ok i do admit it i am one of these people that get waxed and go to the the gym three times a week, and yes i do yoga. but i like it, all the pain is worth it when someone asks me if i've lost weight - yes it's sad but it is weirdly pleasing. I know that right about now your all thinking im a health freak. Lets put it this way. i smoke 20 a day and have a soft spot for takeaways.
Well i think after that ramble it's time for bed. it's never good to be tired on your birthday, you need all the stamina you can get with the eventful day ahead of you so on that note happy 17th to me!! :)
I am currently preparing myself for a day off stress (mainly occuring due to the Xbox) but it's my birthday so although it's not legal i'm sure i will end up blissfully pissed and telling everyone to piss off while trying to stay upright in the rediculously high heels that i'm going to be wearing. But hey no pain no gain!! (well apparently) ok i do admit it i am one of these people that get waxed and go to the the gym three times a week, and yes i do yoga. but i like it, all the pain is worth it when someone asks me if i've lost weight - yes it's sad but it is weirdly pleasing. I know that right about now your all thinking im a health freak. Lets put it this way. i smoke 20 a day and have a soft spot for takeaways.
Well i think after that ramble it's time for bed. it's never good to be tired on your birthday, you need all the stamina you can get with the eventful day ahead of you so on that note happy 17th to me!! :)
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